6/19/07, 7:20 am

I'm trying not to blog while my mother's here, but it's obviously not working well. Both here I am falling off the bandwagon, and also I went to bed last night feeling fairly rotten, I think because I just didn't write enough yesterday and I had a rough therapy session that involved explaining to Dr. L. how after Z. was transferred I had the thought "well, so much for that pregnancy" and also how I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror. I saw myself haggard and grey and haunted and thought, "this is my mom face." So, not an easy session and I am only now writing about it in the most half-assed fashion right here, trying not to go back and edit much. Blah. So take this as what it is, more or less of a brain dump with no filters. Few filters.

Now I'm stalled.

Last night and in fact for the past few days my head has felt like the top of it, where my cerebral cortex should be, there is a white blank space, like cotton batting or a white linen curtain. I think it may still be Helen's memorial and that whole weekend settling in, and also it may be the result of the beginning of work on my sleep deficit. I'm not sleeping well by any means, but I'm trying so hard not to do the 1 and 2 and 3 am things I was pulling off a few weeks ago. I had an acupuncture session a few weeks back, a gift from a friend who's building her practice. I think that some of the shifts in energy I've had recently do trace back to that, but as A. was saying about her recent thyroid medication, it comes at a time when a lot of things were lining up in that direction anyhow, so it's hard to tell for sure.

But after that session I felt completely sluggish and wiped out, the way an intense massage can make you feel, like your blood really is full of toxins like they say and you should just drink hot lemon water and stay near the toilet until your blood has had time to cleanse and replace itself.

I need time to catch up with myself.